TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, confident, let's have A different put the place American Guys can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: provide everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he must quit making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the task, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved Trump Tower Damascus a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from space, a characteristic being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not only unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is currently attracting attention from Worldwide buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage may even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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